Can't Sleep

After I fed Joey tonight, I just couldn't fall asleep.  I am sitting up reading old blog posts, browsing the internet, and just sitting here.  I'm remembering all those sad years of hoping and waiting for a baby and then another year passing by.  Mother's day was the hardest day of the year (closely followed by Christmas).  Watching all my friend's get pregnant, my sister and sister in laws, and never being able to go anywhere without seeing at least 10 strangers pregnant.

This year I am still sad.  I know that sounds weird because I am a mother now and have 2 amazing little miracles.  But, I am sad because I am missing Joey's birth mother.  I am wishing she were here to celebrate with us.  The day before Mother's day is Birth Mother's day.  I thought about Kayla a lot today (Grace's birth mom) and wondering if she was hurting too.  I know she loves Grace and knows she made the right decision, but I also know that she misses Grace.  I'm remembering my grandma who passed away last year and knowing my mom is probably hurting too today.  I know many of my friends are waiting for a miracle and Mother's day is hard for them too.  


I found this quote a couple days ago, and it is bringing me some peace.  I hope it does the same for you if you are hurting this Mother's day (or even on any given day).

"And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.

Never surrender.

Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.

Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.

Of this I testify and leave you my blessing in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Family Pictures

When we finalized Joey's adoption, we got some family pictures by Kismet and Kisses Photography.  She did an amazing job and I wanted to share!  We are SOOOOO blessed!

Loving being a family of 4!  For now...

Not sure she really wants to be there...  

Leaning in for the smooch

Grace loves to swing by her arms!

We have a crazy life some days, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!

I love this man!!!!

It's OFFICIAL!!!!

Meet Joseph Parker Colvin

Joey is now officially a Colvin! On April 10, we sat in front of a judge, were asked if we wanted to have Joseph as our son, and both of us exclaimed "YES!" I started to tear up thinking about Kirsten and how much I wish I could call her and tell her the wonderful news. I'm sure she was there in spirit. The judge was so thrilled for us. After sitting through custody battles and bad situations, I'm sure having a happy adoption makes his day a bit easier. He was happy to join in with the picture and I had Robby hand off Joey.

We are so thrilled that this part of the journey is over. All those home visits, endless paperwork, worrying, all is replaced by sheer joy. I have definitely felt a change in our home. I always knew Joey was mine, but there is something special about sharing a last name. I love that this is so official now. Joey is even more giggly than normal. I don't know if that's just a coincidence, but I like it.

For now, we aren't quite sure how or if we will grow our family further. I would LOVE to have more children in our home, but we just don't know what will happen. For now, I am just enjoying being a mom to 2 amazing children and trying not to dwell on the what if's. I don't think we would ever say no if a situation landed in our laps, but I don't know how active we will be in searching for one. But life is very good and I am in LOVE with my baby boy and little girl.

Took Joey in for a well baby check up and he's healthy as an ox! :) The pediatrician was so impressed with how happy and smiley and talkative he was. He had to get 3 shots :( but I fed him while he was getting them so he only fussed for 2 seconds. He cried harder when I took the bottle out so I could pick him up. Lol. He is seriously such a happy and easy going baby. :)

Joey's stats:

Weight: 15 lbs 11.5 oz (and that was after not eating for 3 hours)

Height: 24 3/4"

He's about in the 60th percentile for both.

And just for fun...

Grace's stats at a little over 3 months:

Weight: 12 lbs 1 oz

Height: 25.5"

She was in the 50th percentile for weight and 75th for height, I believe. She's always been such a little peanut. :)

I love both my little miracles!!!!! :)

Battle of the Binky

We've decided to stop Grace's binky habit. I cut of a tip of her binky so that it would lose all of the suction and sucking comfort. She did not like that one bit. But after a lot of screaming and crying, she finally fell asleep.

Because I'm insane, I decided to try to put Joey in his crib in Grace's room. Since we have a little 2 bedroom apartment now, Joey and Grace will be sharing. He was sleeping in a pack n play in our closet, but I figured we should move them together soon so we could have our full closet back. I was hoping that having him in there would help her realize she needed to be quiet so that he could sleep instead of non stop screaming like the night before.

Well, tonight Grace cried for about an hour but no real screaming. She was VERY excited to have Joey in her room and kept saying "Hi" to him. Joey just sat sucking his thumb in his crib, listening to her cry. He never made a single peep. I'm a little worried how we will stop the thumb sucking habit for him, but for now I'm just happy I don't have to replace a binky 20 times a night.

Joey has been sleeping from about 10 pm until 7 am for the past 2 weeks so I'm hoping that continues while he's sleeping in Grace's room. Grace is an early riser so I'm hoping she doesn't wake him up too. It's going to be a big adjustment but hopefully they will adjust quickly and we can start our new "normal."

On another note...

California still feels very surreal to me. It doesn't quite feel permanent yet. I'm loving living down the street from a Farmer's market. We go every Saturday and it's been a blast taking the kids and trying all the fresh fruit samples. Grace is starting to be more adventurous in food and devoured a lot of asparagus tonight. She is constantly eating. Looks like she will be hitting another growth spurt soon. Joey is continuing to get chunkier and chunkier. He has a well baby check up in a couple days and I can't wait to see how much he weighs. Robby is working a lot but hopefully it will pay off very well in the long run. For now, I'm just happy he's working and enjoying his job. I'm still struggling with keeping up with 2 kids, a dog, and attempting to unpack and get settled. We've been here a month already and it has gone by so fast. It is certainly an adventure.

3 months

My little man is 3 months old! I can't believe it!! He eats like crazy, is a pretty good sleeper, and is a very happy baby. He's drinking about 35 oz a day and taking 4 amazing naps and 1 not so amazing nap every day. He has been sleeping 8 hours at night the past 3 nights and I'm hoping this pattern continues. He is wearing 3-6 month clothes but they are getting too tight on his belly and thighs. He's wearing size 3 diapers, which is crazy because Grace is only in size 4 and they are even a little big on her! He started giggling when I discovered he was very ticklish in between his collar bones under his chin. He has a really deep laugh and it makes us all laugh with him. He adores Grace and just sits and stares at her when she's running around. He is really content just sitting in his bouncer and watching what everyone else is doing. But his favorite thing is when you get about 10 inches from his face and just talk to him. His face lights up every time. He is getting really good at tolerating Mika while she licks his face. He usually has a shocked face for a few seconds then just smiles. He is such a joy in our lives.

Joey and his bear Max when he was only a few hours old.

Joey at 3 months. He's so chunky! It looks like the bear got smaller. :)

Heartbroken

The love of a birth mother

On February 6th, Kirsten (Joey's birth mom) passed away in her sleep. I received a call from her husband that said she passed away and instantly my heart dropped. I called to talk to him and listened to him sob, asking why he had to fall asleep and not stay up to take care of her. She had been diagnosed with double pneumonia and bronchitis at the end of December. She was in and out of the hospital every few days. They kept giving her antibiotics and she kept saying she was getting better. We had seen her January 31st and spent the day with her and her husband at the park. It had been the 5th time she had seen Joey in the 2 months he had been on this earth. We told her that Robby had lost his job and we were looking at jobs outside the state of Arizona. She was heartbroken but knew that we would do what was necessary to take care of our family. She knew we would never just walk away from her and that we would visit often. I knew this was causing extra stress for her and I really didn't want that, but I didn't want to be dishonest with her either.

Kirsten and I texted almost daily. She wanted to know how our whole family was doing, not just Joey. She loved all of us too. We had made plans to meet her at Grace's gymnastics on Monday so she could see Joey and watch Grace show off. Robby had an interview in California that day and both of us were nervous to see if he would get a new job and we would have to relocate. I wake up that morning at 6 am and see the message from Leonard (Kirsten's husband). I immediately fell down, sobbing. It was such a shock. Robby couldn't postpone the interviews so we drove him to the airport and I barely made it home through the sobbing and hyperventilating.

Luckily I had a friend come stay with me and she helped me watch Grace and Joey and helped me not be a sobbing mess. Robby ended up staying 2 days and nights but came home with a job offer in Palo Alto, CA (just south of San Francisco). We had 3 days to pack before they wanted us to be there. Packing and grieving are hard to do at once.

Friday was Kirsten's funeral. I sang the song that was sung at both of her grandmother's funerals, "I Can Only Imagine." It was impossible to sing without tears streaming down as I saw her family, her daughter, and friends hurting along with me. She had not seen them for over 5 years and until the day she died, had no idea Joey existed. I was able to talk to them and let them hold Joey, but their pain is still too fresh to consider more contact at this time. I was able to meet Kirsten's birth daughter's mom (Joey is Kirsten's 3rd child) and we were able to exchange information so in the future we can have contact between our children.

I have been really struggling with Kirsten's passing. I lost my grandpa when I was 10 and my grandma last year but both of them had been old and sick so it was not a huge shock. I still wake up thinking all of this had just been a dream, but it's very much reality. Joey is getting very spoiled and hasn't been more than an arms length away from me. I see so much of her in him.

I know that we will see her again and I know the second I leave this life, she will be one of the first people I embrace. She blessed me with an amazing son. Joey will always know that his birth mom loved him. She placed him in our home. I was constantly in awe of her knowledge that he was meant for our home, but I think the spirit was prompting her to bring him to us. She will always be honored in our home. We will miss her terribly, but I know she is watching over us.

For now, we are settling into California and trying to find a home. We are beginning a new chapter in our lives and I'm trying to embrace that. I'm glad I have 2 incredible children to keep me busy, a sweet little doggy, and an amazing and supportive husband who is always there for me.

Joey's Birth story

Kirsten (Joey's birth mom) had been in the hospital for several weeks leading up to the birth. She had a hernia above her uterus, severe chronic back pain, and was having trouble keeping any food or liquids down. So she was in the hospital on an IV getting the pain medication and nutrients she needed. Even with several scares of what we thought was early labor, Kirsten managed to hold out.

At the end of November, Kirsten's doctor decided to schedule a c-section for when Kirsten hit 37 weeks. She didn't want her to go into labor or have her water break. So it was scheduled for December 4th. That day is super special to our family. Grace was sealed to us for eternity on that day a year prior. And I found out that my mom had actually been baptized into the LDS church on that day too. So we knew that day was going to be a very special one.

The day before, we took Grace out to dinner and enjoyed our last time as a family of 3. I had taken her a few days earlier to the zoo to celebrate her adoption and we had done a lot to spoil her in those last few weeks.

Sunday morning, the 4th, we woke up bright and early. Robby dropped me off at the hospital at 7 am so I could be there to listen to all the instructions and help get Kirsten ready. Her best friend, Shelly, came with us and was a huge support to Kirsten. Robby went and dropped Grace off and then came to meet us. The c-section was scheduled for 8:30 but that time came and passed. The OR was still being used so we had to wait. At 8:50, the OR was ready and they wheeled Kirsten back. She had wanted me in the room with her, but only 1 other person was allowed, and her husband, Leonard, filled that job. :)

Waiting outside for Joey to be born felt like some of the longest minutes of my life. I was able to sit with Robby, Shelly, and my friend Jessica who came to photograph the event. I could peek through the window and I caught a few glimpses of him and instantly I fell in love. They put him in a bassinet and wheeled him upstairs to the nursery. We were able to stay in the nursery with him the whole time. He had a lot of trouble breathing at first and I was terrified. His lungs had some liquid in them from being delivered by c-section so he had to be monitored very closely. He had a little trouble maintaining his temperature, so he was under a heat lamp. Then they added some oxygen near his face and he started doing much better. We tried for an hour to get him to cry so that he would work some of the gunk out of his lungs, but no success. He just wanted to sleep. :)

After his numbers were a little more stable, the nurses decided to give him a bath. I got to help a little, but the nurses in the nursery are much more about getting down to business than doddling around. After he was washed and dried and put into his clothes, Robby and I decided it was ok to leave him at that time for some lunch. We ran and grabbed some lunch and were back within an hour. It was too hard to be away from him.

When we got back, the nurses asked if I wanted to hold him. UMMMMM.... OF COURSE!!!!! The second he was placed in my arms, his breathing normalized and he just nuzzled in. He even wanted a binky to suck on. Robby got to hold him too and Joey continued to get better and better at breathing. The nurses told us he was probably hungry so I was able to give him his first bottle. He sucked that thing down so fast. After he was fed, he was released into our room. Robby and I were able to stay in a Nesting room in the hospital just a few doors down from the nursery. It was so nice to be able to have peace and quiet and bond with our new baby boy.

That night, we just sat and cuddled him and just enjoyed the peace and quiet. My mom came into town to help Grace and brought her over to meet Joey. Grace wasn't so sure about him at first, but she definitely warmed up more to him. She didn't like when I held him and was very clingy to me. She went home with my mom, and I cried. I didn't want her to go, but I didn't want to leave Joey. Already I could feel my heart growing in my love for 2 babies.

After she left, Robby and I kept Joey in our room until midnight and then he went back to the nursery. We got a good night's rest (as good as you can on a hospital bed or a recliner chair) and then went and got Joey the next morning bright and early. He spent all day with us. Kirsten was able to come visit us and see Joey. It was hard to see her heart break, but there is no denying how much she loves him.

After 2 nights, they decided it was ok to let Joey go home with us. Robby drove, my mom sat in the front, and I squished in between the two car seats. I was really happy to be there between my two little loves though. Grace held my hand the whole way and Joey slept.

We found out from our caseworker that Kirsten was going to sign on Saturday. We took Joey home on Tuesday. For 4 long days and nights, we hoped and prayed that Joey would be ours. It is incredible hard to feel yourself be so in love with this tiny person and then not know if they will be a part of your family. But Kirsten assured me daily that she wasn't going back on her decision so we just had to have faith. We prayed for Kirsten too that she would feel peace, and when we saw her Saturday, we could tell she did.

Saturday was incredible. Kirsten and her husband signed the papers relinquishing their rights and asked that we be in the room with them. They had smiles the whole time. We signed our papers and they took Joey to get some snuggles with him. We gathered in our caseworkers office with my mom, Grace, Kirsten, Leonard, our caseworker, the adoption manager and his wife, and two of Kirsten and Leonard's friends. The spirit was very strong and everyone was very emotional. Leonard read a letter they wrote to Joey and gave us a copy with a picture of Leonard giving Joey to me at the hospital. We gave Leonard his first set of LDS scriptures and gave Kirsten a picture of Joseph holding Jesus. We have a matching copy that is in Joey's room. We also gave her a Willow Tree angel that is signing Love. We love teaching Grace to sign and I know we will teach Joey too so that is why I chose it.

We were able to tell Kirsten and Leonard how grateful we are for them and for Joey. I watched Kirsten sob as we had to leave. That is the hardest thing about adoption. I watched her break her own heart for our son. She loves Joey so much, and wanted to give him more than she could provide.

I get a lot of questions about why they chose adoption and wanted to share a little of that part too. Kirsten met us in July, 14 weeks pregnant. She began talking with an old friend (Leonard) and they hit it off really well. Due to some bad circumstances with where she was living, she moved in with him. They quickly fell in love. She and Leonard were taking missionary discussions for the LDS church and were considering becoming baptized. The missionaries encouraged them to get married first, so October 1st, Kirsten and Leonard were married.

Leonard is not Joey's biological father, but in Arizona, the laws are that if the birth mother is married, the husband is the legal father. So Leonard had to sign relinquishment papers too. And he loves Joey. He supported Kirsten through the last 20 weeks of her pregnancy. He kept her fed, helped with her IVs, and stayed awake with her while she was in pain. So we call him Joey's birth father. We have not met Joey's biological father, but we may correspond with him in the future.

We love being a family of 4. There are definitely challenges (I write this sick with a cold/sore throat, Grace has a double ear infection, Joey is going through a growth spurt, and Robby is trying to find a new job), but I wouldn't trade this for anything. I am so grateful for the path that we have been led on. I'm grateful for all the trials that I've had that have made me stronger. I'm grateful for amazing birth parents and the sacrifices they make for their children. Even though a little over 3 years ago, we were told we wouldn't be able to get pregnant, we now have 2 amazing children. We are VERY blessed.

1 month

I can't believe our little Joey is here and already a month old! Wow, I'm bad at blogging... :) He arrived via c-section on December 4th at 9:02 am. He is such a sweet angel and I'm so incredibly happy that I get to be his mommy. I'll try to post more pictures and more of the story later, but for now, sleep is a little more important. This picture is both babies at exactly 1 month with their teddy bears. Joey is definitely on his way to outgrow Grace very quickly. :) I feel so blessed to have 2 little miracles through adoption and hope we can have many many more. :)

Waiting

One of my least favorite parts of adoption is WAITING! Waiting for the homestudy, waiting to be approved, waiting for an expectant parent to contact you, waiting to be chosen, waiting for the baby to be born, waiting for placement paperwork to be signed, waiting for finalization, and then waiting the full year to start it all again!

Waiting to be chosen is by far my least favorite of all the waiting, but it has definitely been difficult waiting for Joey to be born. Last week, the plan was that an amnio would be done on November 29th and then there was a huge possibility he would be born November 30th. Yesterday, expectant mom (K) called me to tell me her blood pressure and blood sugar had both skyrocketed so she was going to the hospital. They were afraid of a clot in her lung and wanted to do some tests to check her out. Thankfully she does not have a clot, but when they did the amniocentesis to check Joey's lungs, I'm pretty sure they came back as not fully developed. So now they are wanting to keep him in there until 37 weeks (December 5th). So we are back to waiting. This time has given me so much more anxiety. I'm constantly on edge and really dislike this feeling. But it is definitely part of the process.

As a planner, I really hate surprises! I want to KNOW when things will happen so I can prepare for them. But this is just another lesson in trusting that there is a Plan, even if I don't have all the specifics. Joseph Parker will be here soon, and hopefully become a part of our family.